SOAP Operas

So brace yourself for the imminent arrival of Snakes On A Plane, perhaps the most eagerly anticipated dreadful movie of all time. Whatever its faults, and they promise to be legion, you have to admire the honesty of its title. Like Nick Cave's 'Murder Ballads' (basically lots of ballads about murders), SOAP does exactly what it says on the can. There's a plane and there's, well, snakes on it; and that seems to be the extent of the plot. Star Samual L Jackson reputedly vetoed all attempts to make the title more sophisticated. It's not On The Waterfront or Casablanca, he objected. It's Snakes On A Plane. And so it is.

This rumour surfaced in the internet frenzy which SOAP's whole-hearted dreadfulness has inspired. Hype which has allegedly affected the 'script' itself. Discussing ways in which SOAP might be made even more terrible, somebody suggested Jackson should say "I want all these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane." Lo and behold, the line has appeared in the final cut.

If true, I know how this anonymous contributor must feel. A little bit proud, a little bit awestruck and remarkably depressed. I sometimes feel that researchers follow me around, noting my sarcastic suggestions for lousy TV shows and then turning them into reality. If so then I'm afraid Celebrity Big Brother is one of mine. So too is that program where bossy women go into people's homes and inspect their toilet seats for stray pubic hairs. And watch out in the future for Hitler's Fattest Nazis ("Heinrich Himmler. Fifteen stone of pure evil!") Grumpy Old Celebrity Chefs, A Sticky Situation (where poor people are tarred and feathered by rich businessmen, the last to lose consciousness winning a million pounds), Ready Steady Sell Your House! and When Colonic Irrigations Go Wrong.

Obviously I'm just being paranoid. However awful we imagine films and TV can get, they always outdo our expectations. I'm reminded of the satarist who, hearing that Kissinger had won the Nobel Peace Prize, announced his retirement because he could never invent anything as twisted as reality. (I can never remember his name so assume he made good on his promise). We're virtually past the level where any sort of parody or mockery is possible. Just enjoy the descent, I suppose; and don't assume that SOAP is the lowest Hollywood can ever sink. There's a long way to go yet.