Thursday, August 31, 2006

D Minus For Effort

More and more I think a lot of features of the natural world are just ludicrous. Life's supposed to be a trial, I know. But some things just seem sloppy. So I'd be grateful if God, evolution or both could sort out the following:
Clouds on mountains
The only point of mountains is the view you get from the top. Half the time you don't get one because of the damn clouds. And the higher the mountain, so the better the potential view, the more likely there is to be clouds. If we must have clouds anywhere except the sky, let them go down to the plains. There's nothing to see there anyway.
Pain
Yes, I know. Pain is useful because it's a warning. But I think we've reached a stage in our development where we recognise that blood spurting out of our skin, say, is a bad thing. And for the less visible bodily malfunctions, some sort of bell or light device can surely be devised. Anyway, it's not as if we actually do anything when we feel pain. We just take some painkillers.
Moths
They come out at night and then just fly for the nearest source of light. I mean, really. If you like the darkness so much, stay in it. And if you prefer light, why don't you just come out during the day? It's pretty much everywhere then.
Snot
I challenge anyone to find a point to this. If it's actually a punishment for something humanity's doing wrong, fair enough. Tell us what it is and we'll repent. Otherwise we rather need those nostrils to breath through, thank you very much.
Volcanos
The most fertile soil is found on the slopes of volcanos. So everyone farms there and lots of people die whenever there's an eruption. Oh the irony etc. What's wrong with putting the best land in the safest parts of the world? And anyway, why should being covered with molten rock make soil fertile in the first place? It's absurd when you think about it. (See also: why should being covered in cow crap make soil fertile?)
Pandas
Even nature commentators, trained to adopt tones of awe when telling us how something can eat beetles, sound exasperated when they get to the pandas. They only eat bamboo. They only eat a certain type of bamboo. And bamboo is rubbish for nuitrition. Plus, they seem to hate sex. This is a species yearning for extinction and perhaps we should just let them get on with it.
Ducks and pigeons
Both are phenomenal flyers. Ducks can reach the fastest speeds in the world; flocks of pigeons can swoop and soar in beautiful formations. Why, then, do they all spend most of their time waddling clumsily along the ground getting in our way? Go to your strengths for Christ's sake.

Sleep
What guarantees that you won't get to sleep? Thinking about going to sleep. Actually meaning to do it. You can only get sleep if you forget what you're supposed to be doing. It's survival of the absent-minded and explains an awful lot about our species.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The New Religion

Reading back on one of my old blog entries, during a period of naval-gazing excessive even by my standards, I realise I was rather hard on religion. The modern Christian church, I wrote, repelled me because of the large numbers of bigots it still attracts. Thinking about it, I realise this was based solely on what I've read in the newspapers about Christianity. An argument which is only acceptable if we can assume that journalists are empirical and rational reporters of truth. But what's been my actual experience of practicing Christians - and those of other faiths? That almost all are tolerant and clear-minded, strong in their beliefs but unwilling to impose them on others. The bigots come in other hues.

A lot of my group discussions about religion have been like this. A careful, thoughtful examination of contrasting opinions. And one voice which states "I think religion's a load of bollocks." It starts early and continues striking as regular as a clock. Even when the owner is assured that you heard him/her the first time, they continue. Because they feel that this statement which should be the start and end of the debate.

Press them a bit harder and things get no better. This sort of person isn't just an athiest themselves, they're outraged that anyone is anything else. Science, you will soon hear, has proved that religion is a load of bollocks. Believing something just because it's written in a book is ludicrous. Uh huh. Unfortunately much scientific 'fact' is in fact just hypothosis, much of it gets disproved later and the first civilisation to offer rational alternatives to religion, the ancient Greeks, got virtually everything hilariously wrong. There's also the problem of where the athiest actually learned so much about science. Did they actually do the experiments themselves? Or did they, well, read about them in a book and put their faith in them? Plus I'm not sure that a great deal in the Bible, say, has been comprehensively debunked. The world took rather longer than six days to create and that's pretty much all you can say. The best science has been able to do is prove that miracles are extremely unlikely. I think people always knew that. That's why they called the things miracles.

Oh, and there's the killing. This is the fervent athiest's next and apparently irrefutable argument. People kill one another because of religion so it should be abolished right now. Well, yes, it has caused a lot of bloodshed. And people also fight wars because of political systems, property, territorial boundaries, ethnicity and trade. Often these are the sole cause and religion is just used as fancy dress. So we'll get rid of all of them, shall we, and go back to living in the ocean. People fight wars for a lot of reasons and one of the most common is intolerance.

Athiesm has become an alternative religion in western civilisation over the past two centuries. It has its prophets (the Enlightenment thinkers) its holy books (Origin of Species or, to those of a certain hue, Das Kapital) and its icons (the DNA symbol, the Genesis-refuting dinosaur bones). It has the vast majority of its believers perfectly willing to accept that others may have different opinions. And it has its bigots spitting venom at the heretics - and being especially bitter because they can't even threaten anyone with hellfire.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

SOAP Operas

So brace yourself for the imminent arrival of Snakes On A Plane, perhaps the most eagerly anticipated dreadful movie of all time. Whatever its faults, and they promise to be legion, you have to admire the honesty of its title. Like Nick Cave's 'Murder Ballads' (basically lots of ballads about murders), SOAP does exactly what it says on the can. There's a plane and there's, well, snakes on it; and that seems to be the extent of the plot. Star Samual L Jackson reputedly vetoed all attempts to make the title more sophisticated. It's not On The Waterfront or Casablanca, he objected. It's Snakes On A Plane. And so it is.
This rumour surfaced in the internet frenzy which SOAP's whole-hearted dreadfulness has inspired. Hype which has allegedly affected the 'script' itself. Discussing ways in which SOAP might be made even more terrible, somebody suggested Jackson should say "I want all these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane." Lo and behold, the line has appeared in the final cut.
If true, I know how this anonymous contributor must feel. A little bit proud, a little bit awestruck and remarkably depressed. I sometimes feel that researchers follow me around, noting my sarcastic suggestions for lousy TV shows and then turning them into reality. If so then I'm afraid Celebrity Big Brother is one of mine. So too is that program where bossy women go into people's homes and inspect their toilet seats for stray pubic hairs. And watch out in the future for Hitler's Fattest Nazis ("Heinrich Himmler. Fifteen stone of pure evil!") Grumpy Old Celebrity Chefs, A Sticky Situation (where poor people are tarred and feathered by rich businessmen, the last to lose consciousness winning a million pounds), Ready Steady Sell Your House! and When Colonic Irrigations Go Wrong.
Obviously I'm just being paranoid. However awful we imagine films and TV can get, they always outdo our expectations. I'm reminded of the satarist who, hearing that Kissinger had won the Nobel Peace Prize, announced his retirement because he could never invent anything as twisted as reality. (I can never remember his name so assume he made good on his promise). We're virtually past the level where any sort of parody or mockery is possible. Just enjoy the descent, I suppose; and don't assume that SOAP is the lowest Hollywood can ever sink. There's a long way to go yet.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Profile Of A Moron

A phenomenal amount of shite has been written and spoken since the dismantling of an alleged terrorist plot at Heathrow last week. But Lord Stevens in the New of the World wins my award. Seeking to keep our airplanes safe while avoiding huge delays caused by the stringent security procedures (and these delays continue to dominate the headlines, probably because journalists worry that they themselves will be affected) he recommends 'passenger profiling'. Namely, only men of Asian or North African appearance should be searched rigorously. Because they're the only ones who have been involved in bombing plots to date, so will presumably be the only ones who ever will be. The only problems Lord Stevens anticipates with his plan is liberals bleating accusations of racism.

Well, I'm a liberal and I'd like to bleat an accusation of racism. Mainly because the plan is, in fact, racist. I've another problem with it too, however. Islam is a largely racially based religion But it's quite sucessful at finding new converts from various walks of life. Jemima Khan and Muhammad Ali, for example, would slip through this meticulous 'profiling.' And the recently converted are more likely to be amongst the most fanatical. Any 'Muslim' psychotics would be delighted if Lord Stevens' cack-handed plan was implemented. They'd just have to find a particularly white or black fellow psycho, load him up with explosives and be fairly sure he'd pass through airline security unchallenged. Lord Stevens doesn't seem to consider this. He does mention that Israel uses passenger profiling "and they've got probably the safest airports and airlines in the world". Something which must be of great comfort to the people of Haifa right now.

Lord Stevens, incidentally, used to be Chief Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police. One reassurance during these unsettling times is that he no longer is.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

On the surface, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly is claiming to have the three most clearly delineated roles in film history. It’s simple. A good man, a bad man and an ugly man – respectively Clint Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef and Eli Wallach. Their roles is even announced by captions at the start and end of the film, albeit in Spanish. As the plot develops, though, the walls start to dissolve and this infantile moral clarity becomes something rather more interesting.
Wallach is Tuco, the Ugly Mexican bandit. A cursing, capering goblin of a man, “known as The Rat,” only rescued from total absurdity by his lethalness. Any miniscule shreds of dignity he briefly manages to collect are quickly lost. Take the three-cornered showdown at the denouement. Eastwood gets to shroud himself in an enigmatic poncho; Van Cleef has a cool all-black ensemble. Wallach must make do with a scruffy maroon jacket splitting open at the seams. Even his very status is ludicrous. The Good and the Bad are binary opposites of the moral scale; the Ugly is a jokey alternative which doesn’t even belong on it.
In most films Tuco would be played solely for laughs before meeting an untimely death. But Sergio Leone actually makes him the undeclared star of his piece. Eastwood may take top billing but Wallach has the most screen time and the most rounded character. Only he, for one, has a proper name. Eastwood and Van Cleef are only known by nicknames, Blondie and Angel Eyes, which aren’t even particularly accurate. Wallach’s constant mutterings almost serve as old-fashioned soliloquies to share his thoughts with the audience; a marked contrast to the legendarily taciturn Eastwood. And, unusually for a Leone character, Tuco is given a background and a family. The scene where he meets is estranged priest brother and learns his parents are dead is one of the most powerful in the film. Wallach is almost shamed into repentance for a second by his brother. Then he comes back with the angry speech, “In our village, if one did not want to die of poverty, one became a priest or a bandit. You chose your way, I chose mine. Mine was harder.” Tuco is not set apart from the moral scale after all. He is actually a battleground of values, a struggle epitomised when he finds a wagon full of corpses. Instinctively he crosses himself like a good Catholic – and then gets on with looting the bodies.
Eastwood is The Good. Of course Eastwood is The Good. But precisely how Good is he? He doesn’t seem to loot corpses but does make fresh ones out of living men with no apparent compunction. We first meet him making a living by turning in outlaws for the bounty and then rescuing them from the noose. Only the greater brutality of the Civil War seems to shake him into something resembling humanity. “Never seen so many men wasted so badly,” he famously mutters as he watches the savage battle for the bridge. Afterwards when he meets a dying Confederate soldier, he covers the boy up and gives him a last smoke. (Cigars seem to be Eastwood’s sole way of expressing kindness. He offers them to Wallach on the two times they are starting to build a proper friendship.) But this strange version of last rites is an aberration, not an epiphany. Hearing Wallach ride away to try and grab the gold, Eastwood immediately strides off and starts firing cannons at him. It’s also worth noting that Eastwood started the double-crossing which constantly mars their partnership, robbing Wallach and leaving him trussed up in the wilderness. And that in the film’s spectacular climax he appears to be inflicting a particularly macabre fate on his ex-partner, only to turn it into a particularly macabre practical joke. Sergio Leone always liked to subvert the image of cowboy as image of moral rectitude which John Wayne epitomised. In this respect The Good, The Bad and The Ugly stands on a line beginning with A Fistful of Dollars and ended by Eastwood himself with Unforgiven.
Lee Van Cleef, at least, is fairly unambiguously Bad. Leone was always more comfortable with pure evil than pure good. It’s interesting, though, how peripheral Van Cleef is to the film. After introducing himself with a flurry of murders, he vanishes for a long time. And he needs a great deal of effort to intrude on the quest-cum-vendetta of Eastwood and Wallach. In both For A Few Dollars More and Once Upon A Time In The West, the whole purpose of the story is getting revenge on Gian Maria Volonte and Henry Fonda respectively. Van Cleef is just another contender for the chest of gold. One defeated, moreover, not by a quick draw buy by a piece of trickery. Eastwood secretly empties Wallach’s gun before the three-way shootout. This leaves him free to focus on Van Cleef whose concentration is divided. You can almost feel sorry for Angel Eyes as he falls into his handily open grave. He was at least willing to fight an honest duel at the end. The Good man had other plans, however.

The taming of the old West has entered American mythology. The conquering of its last frontier, replacing an anarchic land where the gun is king with the rule of law and symbols of Eastern civilisation. The theme winds around many Westerns. Only the treatment has shifted gradually. Originally it was celebratory, represented by heroic, blue-eyed Americans vanquishing evil Red Indians. By the 1950’s the tone was becoming more melancholic, particularly in John Ford’s films; realising that freedom, too, was being sacrificed. Finally the outright cynical came to the fore, in Leone’s Once Upon A Time In The West and Sam Peckinpah’s Pat Garrett and Billy The Kid.
The old West is dying in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly too. Or rather, thanks to the Civil War it is being ripped apart and only desolation is appearing in its place. An innkeeper, rejoicing in the imminent victory of the Northern because he can make more money from them, anticipates the greed which would finally conquer the frontier. But he doesn’t benefit, his inn being quickly destroyed by a stray cannonball. A wagon miraculously appearing in the desert turns out to be full of corpses. Leone fills his landscapes with ruined buildings and subverts the symbols of law and society. A train ploughing majestically through the wilderness is also an instrument of torture for a Confederate spy tied to the front. Eastwood, who makes a living cutting nooses, ties one around Wallach as a grim practical joke. A bridge, that most basic achievement of mankind, is the reason for a pointless battle and the loss of thousands of lives; its destruction is the cause for celebration. One of the few structures which remains, a monastery which cares for wounded soldiers, seems almost grotesque in context. Wallach flinches in disgust when he sees the scenes of solace inside. He would be more at home in the graveyard where the film ends. There is a wide, empty space in its centre where the final shootout takes place. That would be where the church ought to be. But there is nothing. The whole area is just a disposal area for corpses, the graves marked by the most rudimentary of signs.
Passing away, too, are the personifications of civilisation. There are a few symbols of moral rectitude and none suffer happy fates. Two are doomed army commanders, one the victim of gangrene, the other slowly poisoning himself with alcohol before a bullet quickens the process. Both, incidentally, are fighting for the North. The Union is dying even as it wins the war. The only institution still standing by the end is the church, in the shape of Tuco’s brother. But he is left severely compromised, surrendering to anger, knocked to the ground by Tuco and, in his final shot, begging futilely for forgiveness. Even commercial greed and evil cannot stand up to the savage force ravaging Leone’s world. Van Cleef starts the film as a hired gun. At the end of his introductory sequence, though, he double-crosses the man with the gold and dispatches him. Similar fates meet the families trying to manipulate Eastwood in A Fistful of Dollars, the rail baron who thought he controls Henry Fonda in Once Upon A Time In The West. The values and morals of the old West may have vanished from Leone’s films. Brute force, though, still rules supreme.

A recent poll put the score from The Lord of the Rings as the best ever written. It’s a decent little tune, I suppose, if rather derivative; rather like the trilogy itself. But the result simply shows how much poor memories influence surveys. Nobody who has watched a Sergio Leone film in the last ten years could have voted for any other. Many movies, including The Lord of the Rings, are improved by their scores. For all its many other virtues, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly simply couldn’t exist without its music.
Ennio Morricone worked on all Leone’s major films. The professional harmony of the pair was legendary. One Once Upon A Time In The West, Morricone wrote the score first and Leone instructed his actors to modulate their movements around it. In one scene in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, Eastwood holsters his gun then Wallach spins his spurs to announce his unexpected appearance, the sequence perfectly spaced by the famous signature riff. Sometimes, with their sparse dialogue, Leone’s works seem more like a ballet than a film. Or as one critic described Once Upon A Time In The West, ‘a dance of death.’
There is a sense, too, of the pair trying to outdo each other. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly was easily Leone’s most ambitious piece to date, transcending the brutal revenge tales of the other Dollars films. And Morricone tried to match him on his flight upwards. Leone piled layer upon layer, creating a plot which was both an intricate, ingenious device and a simple extended duel. Morricone built fantastic, almost unearthly compositions, employing choirs, trumpets, steel guitars, a number of instruments I can’t begin to name. Every sudden shift in mood is followed perfectly by the score. The poignant suffering inflicted by war, the tension of the gunfight in the deserted town, the savage march through the desert; most memorably, the quirky theme tune announcing every plot twist or black joke. Even these, though, are overshadowed by the film’s astonishing climax.
Morricone gives us two compositions for this. Each begins quietly then builds gradually into an amazingly stirring chorus. Keeping pace with him, of course, is Leone’s direction. As the music swells, the camera moves faster and faster. The first crescendo leads to one extended blur of movement. For the second there is a series of repetitive images appearing and vanishing quicker than a blink. The effect is amazing, the film leaping out and bludgeoning you into submission.
What, though, is the story behind these monumental crescendos? A man running through a cemetery looking for a grave which is supposed to be full of gold and isn’t. And then three men having a fight over a rock supposed to have a name written on it; which, as it turns out, it doesn’t. Squalor, basically, greed and trickery. Cinema is often accused of manipulating the emotions of the audience. Leone and Morricone both manipulate ours as much as they can and all to spring another practical joke on us. At the end of each sequence, Morricone’s music is abruptly cut. There is a quick fumble of movement and the issue is resolved. Reality hits us between the eyes. And in the sudden silence, we realise exactly what we were gaping at a second ago.