So that time is approaching again. The full list of my 2008 New Year resolutions (working title Things I Will Definitely Do This Year, Honest) has yet to be finalised. But I thought I'd set down the latest draft. In the hope of at least remembering a few of them after January 5th.
1. Get Fat. Obesity is now more reviled than glue sniffing and alcoholism, and is fast approaching paedophilia and heroin abuse. Therefore, fatties are rebels. Fatties are cool. Not quite sure how to manage this, however, given that the things which make you obese (watching TV, eating) are duller than the things keeping me thin (walking, chain smoking). How do they all do it?
2. Talk to more people at work so they don't think I'm a weirdo / dullard / sociopath / all of the above. I may have left this slightly too late.
3. Get addicted to at least one reality TV show. Rather necessary to fulfil Resolution 2, given that they're the only topic of conversation at work. Still trying to decide which one, however. Strictly GCSE Woodwork? Celebrity Big Brother with David Irving and Nick Griffin? How Clean Is Your Car Glove Compartment? It's a tough choice.
4. Spend more time on the things I cite as my hobbies and less on those I cover up. Which translates as: read history books instead of playing online games aimed at 10 year olds. This one tends to feature each year.
5. Stop crow-barring my epilepsy into conversations and then being so stoical that it's impossible to have a discussion about it. Though I've yet to decide whether to shut up about it entirely or turn myself into a martyr. Right now I'm leaning towards the "Woe is me" option.
6. Warn the people about Noel Edmunds. He hasn't changed, you know. He may have tried reinventing himself as a weird numbers freak on Deal Or No Deal. But I saw him on a Sky show over Christmas and he was as bad as ever. The same monstrous ego. The same smug cackle at his own joke. And obviously, the same beard. Stop him now before his terrifying resurrection is complete.
7. Do at least one blog entry a week. My fan base – two people in Sheffield and my mum – deserve no less.
8. Stop doing the same tired old joke about my blog fan base. Besides, I think the Sheffield crew have abandoned me.
9. Finally find out what the bloody hell this 'emo' is. So I can claim to still be 'down' with 'the kids.' Though I'll probably conduct three months of intense online investigations just to reach the same answer as the question about the blues. If you have to ask, you'll never know. And it'll have gone out of fashion by then anyway.
10. Get out and meet people. Yeah. That'll happen.
11. Smoke less, worship God, spend less, work harder, be nicer, greet each day with a smile on my face yah-di-yah-di-yah. See the footnote to Resolution 10.
1. Get Fat. Obesity is now more reviled than glue sniffing and alcoholism, and is fast approaching paedophilia and heroin abuse. Therefore, fatties are rebels. Fatties are cool. Not quite sure how to manage this, however, given that the things which make you obese (watching TV, eating) are duller than the things keeping me thin (walking, chain smoking). How do they all do it?
2. Talk to more people at work so they don't think I'm a weirdo / dullard / sociopath / all of the above. I may have left this slightly too late.
3. Get addicted to at least one reality TV show. Rather necessary to fulfil Resolution 2, given that they're the only topic of conversation at work. Still trying to decide which one, however. Strictly GCSE Woodwork? Celebrity Big Brother with David Irving and Nick Griffin? How Clean Is Your Car Glove Compartment? It's a tough choice.
4. Spend more time on the things I cite as my hobbies and less on those I cover up. Which translates as: read history books instead of playing online games aimed at 10 year olds. This one tends to feature each year.
5. Stop crow-barring my epilepsy into conversations and then being so stoical that it's impossible to have a discussion about it. Though I've yet to decide whether to shut up about it entirely or turn myself into a martyr. Right now I'm leaning towards the "Woe is me" option.
6. Warn the people about Noel Edmunds. He hasn't changed, you know. He may have tried reinventing himself as a weird numbers freak on Deal Or No Deal. But I saw him on a Sky show over Christmas and he was as bad as ever. The same monstrous ego. The same smug cackle at his own joke. And obviously, the same beard. Stop him now before his terrifying resurrection is complete.
7. Do at least one blog entry a week. My fan base – two people in Sheffield and my mum – deserve no less.
8. Stop doing the same tired old joke about my blog fan base. Besides, I think the Sheffield crew have abandoned me.
9. Finally find out what the bloody hell this 'emo' is. So I can claim to still be 'down' with 'the kids.' Though I'll probably conduct three months of intense online investigations just to reach the same answer as the question about the blues. If you have to ask, you'll never know. And it'll have gone out of fashion by then anyway.
10. Get out and meet people. Yeah. That'll happen.
11. Smoke less, worship God, spend less, work harder, be nicer, greet each day with a smile on my face yah-di-yah-di-yah. See the footnote to Resolution 10.
No comments:
Post a Comment