These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things

In case I don't get chance elsewhere, a list of some of the aspects of life that I truly, truly hate.

People Who Think Food Is Important
Not those fussy about what they eat for health reasons, though they can be tiresome too, or on ethical grounds, though we are slightly worst. But the ones who confuse cooking with creativity and art. And who sneer at anyone who, after a day at work, doesn't spend 2 hours in the kitchen working through a recipe like a trained chimp rather than, say, doing something with their brains. Eating isn't culture. It's a necessary bodily function. One does it and moves on. You don't get articles in magazines telling you of places to take the perfect poo or implying the French and Italians are superior to us because they're better at going to sleep than we are.

The Fact That The Wind Always Blows The Rain Into My Face
I mean, it always does. It's not just the speed I walk either. I turn a corner and see the rain shifting direction accordingly. I try to avoid the common trap of believing the whole world just exists for my benefit; or more accurately, exits to mildly annoy me. Then it starts to rain again and all my religious and philosophical creeds are shattered. Plus my face gets wet.

People Who, Upon Learning That Being An Epileptic Means I'm Technically Disabled, Instantly Ask If I Get A Special Parking Ticket
If you get epileptic seizures on a regular basis then you're not allowed to drive. Duh.

Key Changes In Ballads By Boy Bands
Always the same time: 51 seconds before the end of the song. A pause. Then, though you desperately hope it won't happen, the key change. And the singer always has a note of smug triumph in his voice afterwards, as if he's performed a feat of unique brilliance. He hasn't. He's changed key.

Old People Not Bothering With Manners Just Because They're Old
They push in to the head of queues. They talk to you when you clearly don't want to be talked to. Most of all they stop and stare at you, blatantly and without apology, when you walk past them in the street. And they probably complain how rude the young people of today are. Admittedly, if I ever get to be old myself I've no intention of bothering with manners either.

Happy Endings Grafted On To The End Of Sad Or Nasty Songs
Pushing Tin being a case in point. John Cusack's character drives himself into a nervous breakdown. It's the story arc. It's the whole point of the film, you would think. Then, ten minutes before the end, he's suddenly working a reconcilliation with his nemesis and getting back with his estranged wife. You can almost see the head of the studio putting the gun to the director's head, releasing the safety catch and ordering the rewrite.

People Saying How Good The Eighties Were
Again a caveat: I've been looking forward to this. I waited patiently for the Fifties and Sixties to become passe (which happened at the end of the Eighties), for the Seventies revival to blow away (around the time of the Millennium). Just so I can say, firmly and categorically: I was there during the Eighties. It was crap.

"Opinionated weathermen telling you it's going to be a miserable day. Miserable for who? I quite like a bit of drizzle, so stick to the facts"
Actually I nicked that from Half Man Half Biscuit. But I lifted the title and idea for this post from them too, so I suppose that's OK.