Monday, May 29, 2006

Roy Of The Rovers Stuff

So the World Cup is almost here again. The newspapers and magazines are swelling up with fawning profiles of usual famous names – Ronaldinho, Henry, Gerrard, Ballack et al. But you might as well throw all those away. Judging by recent tournaments, the eventual heroes of this World Cup won’t be the superstars. They’ll be plucky US college boys, scurrying Mexican wing backs, pacy Angolan strikers and a lot of other people no-one has heard of.

Take the first game of the last World Cup. Henry and Zidane played off the park by El Hadjj Diouff – or Who Who Who? as he was then known. That set the tone for a competition where the finest playmaker wasn’t Beckham or Veron but some prematurely balding Turk. Or the European Championships two years ago, dominated by a lot of Greek defenders and a podgy Scouser with tragically fragile feet. What happens to all these stars nowadays? Do they under-perform or are they just not all that good to start with?

They have a standard excuse. They’re tired after a long, arduous season. Each and every one of them. The magazine When Saturday Comes made the point that there are actually less games in a standard season than there used to be. What has increased for the top players is their off-field commitments. The parties, the book signings, the commercial promotions. They’re part of showbiz now, after all, and that can be exhausting. And it does something to their motivation. Celebrities have their image to protect; and the activity which first made them famous can become rather damaging to this image after a while. Actors, once they reach a certain level, never play anybody in a film except themselves. Too demeaning otherwise. And the top footballers look uneasy about putting on silly shorts and kicking a ball around. They’ll carry on doing it as long as they have to but they don’t want to give the impression that they take it seriously.

Plus the fact that the World Cup is less of a giant supermarket than it once was. Clubs are generally too smart now to snap up a player simply on the basis of three to six games crammed into a month. Most of the big deals have already been done. Take Andrei Shevchenko: worth £35 million, yet to kick a ball in a major international tournament. But for the less famous players it is still a time for opportunities. Some of Shevchenko’s Ukrainian team mates will know they could achieve a little of his prominence next month. The likes of Togo and Angola will have noted the impressive deals the Senegalese won for themselves after 2002. These are the people who have a reason to try hard.

Of course, a few football-related motives still remain. The one big name who actually delivered in the last World Cup: Ronaldo. After a mysterious medical ‘episode’ wrecked his final in 1998 and injury most of his career since then. He had something to prove. As did his opponents in the 2002 final, the Germans. Written off by everyone as a bunch of useless journeymen, they pulled themselves through the tournament with an impressively bloody-minded belligerence. So perhaps that’s the way to get the stars to perform this time. A little less adulation beforehand and a lot more sneering.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things

In case I don't get chance elsewhere, a list of some of the aspects of life that I truly, truly hate.

People Who Think Food Is Important
Not those fussy about what they eat for health reasons, though they can be tiresome too, or on ethical grounds, though we are slightly worst. But the ones who confuse cooking with creativity and art. And who sneer at anyone who, after a day at work, doesn't spend 2 hours in the kitchen working through a recipe like a trained chimp rather than, say, doing something with their brains. Eating isn't culture. It's a necessary bodily function. One does it and moves on. You don't get articles in magazines telling you of places to take the perfect poo or implying the French and Italians are superior to us because they're better at going to sleep than we are.

The Fact That The Wind Always Blows The Rain Into My Face
I mean, it always does. It's not just the speed I walk either. I turn a corner and see the rain shifting direction accordingly. I try to avoid the common trap of believing the whole world just exists for my benefit; or more accurately, exits to mildly annoy me. Then it starts to rain again and all my religious and philosophical creeds are shattered. Plus my face gets wet.

People Who, Upon Learning That Being An Epileptic Means I'm Technically Disabled, Instantly Ask If I Get A Special Parking Ticket
If you get epileptic seizures on a regular basis then you're not allowed to drive. Duh.

Key Changes In Ballads By Boy Bands
Always the same time: 51 seconds before the end of the song. A pause. Then, though you desperately hope it won't happen, the key change. And the singer always has a note of smug triumph in his voice afterwards, as if he's performed a feat of unique brilliance. He hasn't. He's changed key.

Old People Not Bothering With Manners Just Because They're Old
They push in to the head of queues. They talk to you when you clearly don't want to be talked to. Most of all they stop and stare at you, blatantly and without apology, when you walk past them in the street. And they probably complain how rude the young people of today are. Admittedly, if I ever get to be old myself I've no intention of bothering with manners either.

Happy Endings Grafted On To The End Of Sad Or Nasty Songs
Pushing Tin being a case in point. John Cusack's character drives himself into a nervous breakdown. It's the story arc. It's the whole point of the film, you would think. Then, ten minutes before the end, he's suddenly working a reconcilliation with his nemesis and getting back with his estranged wife. You can almost see the head of the studio putting the gun to the director's head, releasing the safety catch and ordering the rewrite.

People Saying How Good The Eighties Were
Again a caveat: I've been looking forward to this. I waited patiently for the Fifties and Sixties to become passe (which happened at the end of the Eighties), for the Seventies revival to blow away (around the time of the Millennium). Just so I can say, firmly and categorically: I was there during the Eighties. It was crap.

"Opinionated weathermen telling you it's going to be a miserable day. Miserable for who? I quite like a bit of drizzle, so stick to the facts"
Actually I nicked that from Half Man Half Biscuit. But I lifted the title and idea for this post from them too, so I suppose that's OK.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Half Decent FA Cup Final Shock

First my complaints about the FA Cup final. Penalties are no way to decide a trophy. They aren't even very interesting any more. And if we must have them, let's just skip straight to them after regular time ends. Extra time is almost always just half an hour of exhausted players whacking the ball up and scuttling half-heartedly after it. On that subject: why were Liverpool and West Ham so ridiculously unfit? Even before the 90 minutes were up there were half a dozen players going down with cramp. At times the pitch looked like a Black Death re-enactment. A standard piece of 'action' towards the end was a man staggering forward, getting a cross in and instantly collapsing, clutching his calf. Finally, Leslie Garrett, if you're reading this: the last line of 'Abide With Me' is "Abide with me." It isn't "Aaaa-biyiyide wi-yi-yi-yi-yi-th muuu-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye." If you can't hold a note for more than two seconds, don't become a singer.

Otherwise it was a fantastic game. 3:3 and all the goals were entertaining. Carragher doing an Ali Shuffle to neatly slot the ball into his own net. The otherwise brilliant Reina spilling a weak shot right into Ashton's path. Cisse pulling the score back to 2:1 and bringing the game to life again. Gerrard finishing a training ground move with unnecessary venom. Konchesky totally mis-hitting a cross and then watching the ball inexplicably loop into the top corner. Finally a half-fit Gerrard (cramp, of course) receiving the ball about 30 yards out, being too knackered to do anything other than whack it and somehow score. In general, two sides stubbornly refusing to admit defeat and, for once, translating this into an urge to play good football rather than clatter each other.

The FA Cup deserved a final like this. The much-overrated tournament has been surprisingly wonderful this year. Think of Liverpool's 5:3 win over Luton in an earlier round which featured one of the most hilarious goals ever - Alonso scoring from the half way line after the Luton keeper had rushed up for a corner. A dreadful Coventry side coming back from 2:0 down against Spurs to win 3:2 thanks to a previously and subsequently unknown Dutch striker. Burton Albion holding Manchester Utd, Nuneaton Borough - whoever the hell they are - doing likewise to Middlesborough. And Chelsea losing. Not the greatest game ever but Chelsea losing in any circumstances always brings cheer to the soul.

I can't welcome this totally whole-heartedly. There's going to be an awful lot of rubbish written about this year's FA Cup in coming years by the romantics, the self-appointed defenders of football's soul. They always hold the tournament up as somehow purer than the league or European competitions. While the latter are wholly commerical nowadays, they claim, the FA Cup is still true to the spirit of football. This has little to do with reality. Organised by the grasping Football Association, the Cup embraces sponsorship in almost every form and many of the tickets for the final are given to corporate clients. And for all the talk about the Cup being a great leveller, look at the winners in recent years: Liverpool twice, Arsenal three times, Man Utd once. It's no less the property of the big clubs than the Premiership. I suspect a lot of the 'romance' is because it was originally contested by public school sides, not those grubby northern clubs who went on to form the League and create modern football.

But the game at its best can still silence all the caveats. Watching a mediocre stopper like Danny Gabbidon humiliate Liverpool's millionaire strikers, or Steven Gerrard beligerrantly pull his side forward, I was reminded why I keep getting drawn back to it. We just need a decent Champions League final now and I might even start looking forward to the World Cup.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Shameless Self-Publicity!

If I've been a bit tardy with my posts recently it's for the following reasons: a) I still have half a life left and b) I've been using most of that to set up my own web site. So far it's a dumping ground for any assorted pieces of writing I had hanging around my drawer. It may become more focussed later, may change function entirely or may continue as it is. And while I wish I could promise that the appearance will improve, it will probably just go through various types of dreadfulness. Anyway, the link is on the right and just to hammer the message in:
http://www.whyisthishere.co.uk

Entirely Bad Poetry Part 3

For Mandi Ann, who expressed touching but baffling fondness for another of my poems. This one'll learn her.

The Confessional

We sit, he and I
And sit
Like lovers struggling to speak their hearts.
Head of Finance and his vassal (me).
The talk starts of promotion prospects
Relegation fears, crossbars hit
New strikers bought, misfiring men ditched
Until we remember where we are
And why.
Performance appraising reviewing assessing
Or: adding up the sums.
Six months in six mumbled words:
Works hard, hits targets, bit careless
Then questions from the home psychiatry kit.
Do you enjoy your work?
(Yes, lucky there's so much of it)
What particular problems are there?
(Head of Finance can't manage staff)
What do you like the most?
(You let us manage ourselves)
Where do you see yourself in a year?
(If I could plan I wouldn't be here, doing this)
I only speak the expected triteness, of course
And perhaps he is concealing similar
Caustic indictments of me.
Just give us a confession booth
And maybe we'll spend the hour stripping souls bare.
But really, no silent truths compress the air.
Mediocre work done in a mediocre fashion
Will never inspire great rhetorical passion.
So we sit, he and I.
And sit.